Decidely not A.D.D.

My Mom is convinced I have A.D.D.

To be fair, my Mom is convinced approximately 100% of the general population of planet earth has A.D.D.

A.D.D, as I understand it, means "Attention Deficit Disorder". Deficit? An Attention Deficit? As in, a marked LACK of available attention to administer? There is no way that this definition applies to me.

If anything, I believe I suffer from an "Attention Obesity": an OVER-abundance of available attention, to be spent in spades. In the course of my everyday life, I pay attention to a bevvy of things, people, tasks, and happenings simultaneously. Though it does not define me, multi-tasking tends to play a substantial role in my daily life. (see also: Mother, Woman, Human Being in the 21st Century)

The uncanny ability to allow myself to be distracted by all manner of things as I romp through my days while not going completely insane (teetering is not "completely") would indicate to me an excess of available attention, not a deficit. Thus, I have decided that my beloved mother, God bless her, is quite wrong about her A.D.D. diagnosis in my case. I do not have A.D.D. I have O.A.A.A.D.: Over-Abundance of Available Attention Disorder. It's a new disorder. It'll catch on. Pay attention to the following list of potential symptoms, as taken from my own life of late. Take notes - chances are, you may have this too!

Here are some early warning signs of the apparent O.A.A.A.D. pandemic:

1.) You prefer to have the TV or music on throughout the day to keep you company.

2.) You have been known to talk on the phone and use the computer while tying a child's shoe and cooking dinner simultaneously.

3.) While watching the television news, the following thoughts pelt your brain in rapidfire succession: why is sports news? and why is a poker tournament suddenly a sport? There is no sweating in poker, barring a gladular disorder or faulty casino air conditioner, that certainly seems to be the litmus test of a sport, doesn't it? And what is up with the anchorwoman's hairdo? The white stripe thing in the front ~ the Cruella-DeVille-struck-by-lightening thing? That's all kinds of unattractive. Sheesh... and such pleasant headlines too. Why not just say, "The world is a mess. More evidence of this continuing trend at 11:00." That about covers it every day, all day. I don't like the news. I always forget how much I don't like the news until I watch it. Why do I watch it, then? What channel is that Top Chef show on? Where is the clicker?"

4.) You routinely enter various rooms in your house and stand immobile inside the doorframe for a moment, thunderstruck, trying to recall the reason you went into the room in the first place.

5.) In the course of finishing an ordinary task or project, you are prone to distraction by other tasks or projects. It is in this way that the simple task of completing the laundry manages to evolve to include seventeen semi-related tasks: folding laundry (which leads to...) organizing the unkempt closet where laundry was to be put away (which leads to) sewing buttons onto several items you found while in the process of organizing said closet (which leads to) sharpening the semi-dull scissors in the sewing box (which leads to) sharpening the knives in the kitchen drawers (which leads to) re-organizing the spice cupboard (which leads to) making a new shopping list (which leads to (going to the grocery store (which leads to) stopping at the gas station (which leads to) getting the car washed...all in the ostensible course of doing a simple load laundry.

6.) Even with sugar cookie and hazelnut scented candles burning throughout your house, your olfactory sense can simultaneously detect the precise moment the pork roast is perfectly finished, that the fire in the fireplace needing to be stoked, and that somewhere ~ lurking on the floor above you ~ your 2-year old son needs a diaper change. STAT.

If any of this sounds remotely familiar, I invite you to join me in the ranks of the proud OAAAD sufferers worldwide. With our combined amply abundant attention to spare, together we can change the world! Or, at least pay more attention to it. Come on and join me. We'll make T-shirts and drink Dr. Pepper.