Mourning missed moments

Sometimes I regard parenting as a journey of surviving our children's agonizingly lingering break from a cocoon. If we are of the impatient sort, we are anxious for their emergence. If we are of the sentimental and deeply emotional type, we languish over every fluttery step. Of forgiveness and healing your bruised heart as you reach the end of each day and realize that the path behind you is littered with missed moments, opportunities to love, to impart, to listen, to care, to hold, to hug, to laugh, to play, to explore. To simply BE with your children.

As a mother, I struggle consistently with going too fast, pursuing my own agenda, to-do list, and seemingly neverending daily tasks. I struggle as I look into the faces of my children and realize how much older they are today than they were last night when I tucked them into bed. I yearn to add hours to the day in order to listen to them more, to hug them and spend time with them until I feel the delightful sensation of being saturated How much I have missed of their lives while I spent my time doing other things. Worthy things, certainly. Neccesary to survival on this planet, certainly. But distractions from the life we are here to celebrate and cultivate, definitely.

I am filled with a unique tang of bitter regret and sweet gratitude at the end of each day. I find myself deeply missing my children even as I savor their presence. Time is the enemy of each parent. Because it takes our children farther and farther from the intimacy that was born the moment when they were formed in our wombs.

Even as I am in a constant state of grace and indescribably grateful for my little ones, loving my muffinheads means, for me, also mourning the passing of each day that takes them closer towards gaining their wings and flying from the nest altogether. And if I am this much of a mess when my kids are 5 and 2, imagine my state when I face furst dates, driving tests, high school graduations, weddings.

It's actually quite terrifying.

I think I need some Dr. Pepper.