Shark Tales

Scuba divers are a great big bunch of nerds.

Truly, we are.

We sit around and gleefully compare the nuances of variant colors in the tiny little cleaner wrasse fish we saw in Molokini crater to the ones we saw when we dived Maldives. We marvel over the miniscule pattern differences in eels. We chatter on excitedly about the variations of sharks and rays we have dived with. It is completely boring to anyone not invested in such thrilling conversational topics as the benefit of integrated weight belts vs standard free weights, or whether a 6 mm wetsuit offers a better warmth benefit as a 3mm long with a 3 mm shorty on top.

Yeah, as I said: riveting.

But for us whose love of the water courses through our veins rhapsodically, this stuff is ELEMENTAL. We live for the moment when we actually do get to see the elusive whale shark or the schools of hammerheads off the point. For the day when the Manta Rays circle us in tandem, the schools of milletseed butterfly fish swarm in a feeding frenzy, or that one-in-a-million free water swim with a humpback whale. We who dive are an interesting motley crue, suffering from a delightful addiction to salt water.

But we also share within our ranks some absolutely great stories. Some of them are legend. Some of them are even true.

Settle in and I'll share with you two of the more colorful, recent Shark Tales we've heard since landing on the island this time around:

KAYAK VS. SHARK

In mid January, two vacationing tourists who did not know a kayak from a submarine sandwich decided to kayak out to a tiny, uninhabited island 4 miles off the coast of Maui. This is a FOUR MILE paddle through a rugged open water channel. Obviously, this was a brilliant idea from the start for two novice kayakers who did not include life jackets or swim fins on this little outing, but instead opted for two cans of Pepsi, an iPod, and a bag of Doritos.

By the grace of God, they did manage to navigate themselves to the tiny little island of Molokini. Once there, they came upon a dive boat that was anchored with divers in the water, and asked for a ride back to the main island of Maui. Unfortunately, the boat was at full capacity and did not have room to stow 2 extra passengers and their kayak on board. But the hungry kayakers were given food and drink, and provided with life preservers. The captain told them that after the divers surfaced, she would drive the boat back to check on the kayakers to make sure they were able to make it safely back across the channel.

The dive boat captain kept her word. As she drove his boat back toward the kayakers three hours later, they were in easy distance of shore. However, they were frantically waving their kayak paddle in the air, desperate to flag her down. As she slowed, she was able to see clearly the source of their panic: a 12-foot great white shark turned on it's belly underwater and bumped their kayak once more. The kayakers were quickly rescued and taken to shore. There, they relayed that the shark had been following them for about a mile and had been nudging them increasingly harder half a dozen times. The captain of the rescue dive boat was able to take a fantastic photo of the shark, which was 2/3 as long as the dive boat itself. Even for seasoned divers, a chance encounter with a Great White Shark of this size would be enough to shake you. Whoa, that was a BIG shark.

But for those kayakers from Des Moines, the shark altered their reality so remarkably that they repeatedly swore NEVER to go in the ocean again. Can't say I blame them, really. Poor souls.

FINGER FARCE

About a week after the shark-kayak bumping became open knowledge on the island, a tourist, snorkeling along the south coast, arrived back on shore in hysterics. His left pointer finger was clearly, traumatically severed at the knuckle. He was in shock, bleeding, and screaming that he had been attacked by a shark.

Never mind that the story itself sounded suspect, as any shark of a decent size does not typically bite off only fingers. But any report of shark attack, particularly on a tourist in a high profile resort area, is taken extremely seriously. The Coast Guard patrol boats went out, the search helicopter was dispatched to circle the area, the ambulances came with lights blaring. The whole shabang.

After several hours of searching, no shark was found. The Coast Guardsmen finally questioned the snorkeler in detail, who reluctantly admitted that he had not been attacked by a shark after all. Rather, he had been badgering a local Hawaiian Green Sea Turtle (an endangered species here that must not be touched or bothered under severe penalty of law), in efforts to grab ahold of it. The turtle was trying to get to the surface to take a breath of air, and the snorkeler impeded his path. The turtle took matters into his own... well... beak, and turned on the snorkeler, snapping off his left index finger cleanly.

The tourist sheepishly explained that to say he was attacked by a shark sounded far more exciting and sensationalistic than to admit that hed been bitten by a turtle, so he fabricated the shark element entirely.

The County of Maui is now considering taking the young man to court to pay for the $100,000+ emergency response bill his little turtle caper resulted in. At the very least, I a new type of warning sign may soon emerge on the local beaches: Beware of Turtles. Or perhaps: Beware of Snorkelers. You be the judge.