Selfish piles of goat manure

It is fair to say that I have a love~hate relationship with television. Not my individual set, specifically (which I have no beef with), but television in general.

It is not based on any of the standard "evils of television" arguments, but rather on the grouchy frustration I inevitably become embroiled in when I choose to tune in. Watching Wife Swap coupled with a liberal (no pun intended, but definitely applicable) dose of the evening news tonight did me in.

Wife Swap could be classified as a guilty pleasure of mine, except that I don't feel guilty and the emotions jockeying for position within me as I take in this show typically do not include "enjoyment". Bemused amazement is accurate. Stupefied astonishment generally sums up my reaction to voyeuristicly discovering the minor catastrophes that pass for "normal" family life, marriage, parenting, and relationships among those who are briefly chronicled in Wife Swap. Often, I find myself shaking my head in where~the~heck~do~they~find~these~people fashion. Except that I know exactly where they find these people. Because I think I know some of them. And on sad, rare occasions, I actually believe I recognize glimpses of myself in one or two of them.

I did say "rare", OK? By the grace of God, the strength of my convictions, and the relentless pursuit of God's best instead of my "good enough", I've blessedly managed to dodge the bullets choking these families. I take no joy in noting that some of the adult participants on Wife Swap are straight out of a publication entitled, "How to be the least effective participant in a marriage, marinate in selfish superiority and fully screw up your kids in the process." Talk about killing multiple birds with one stone. And maybe some cats too.

All kidding aside, what gives me pause at this moment is a reflection caused by one of the wives on tonight's episode. At the end of the show, this woman openly wept, lamenting her relationship with her husband and envying that of the other couple, with whom she had swapped places for two weeks. She dedicated her life to being an "individual", requiring her husband and child's uniform conformity to the whims and standards of her free spirit and artistic bent. She contributed nothing to the family unit beyond her "vision of art as a healing element" and her unquestionable philosophies of tantamount superiority. She did not regularly clean her home, shampoo her hair, take a shower, do laundry, wash dishes, teach, relate, or spend any meaningful time investing in her family. Because that was beneath her and outwardly focused. She spent her time looking within, spouting melodically about her superior philosophy of life, which seemed to me to involve indefinite art projects and insistence upon doing her own thing at the cost of anyone else whose "own thing" happened to intersect with hers.

Last week's show was no better. One wife was not into cleaning. As in, REALLY not into cleaning. There were rare fungal spores growing on her kitchen counters which were overflowing with rancid dishes, old pizza boxes, colonies of ants, and rotten food. There may or may not have been an alligator - I can't be sure. There was trash absolutely everywhere, soiled clothes tossed haphazardly around, and she took pride in announcing that she could not remember the last time she had ever done laundry or picked up a broom or vacuum. This was a woman who actually removed all the interior walls of her family home. There were no bedroom walls, no living room walls, and a half wall in the bathroom. The reason for the remodel? So that her family pets could come and go as they pleased, more freely. How sweet.

Not. In this small two bedroom house, her "pets" constituted TEN DOGS AND ONE GOAT.

Ten Dogs.

And

An

Obscenely

Fat

GOAT.

The goat slept in her bed with she and her husband (when said hubby was not seeking solace on the non-goat-populated sofa), and spent its days reclining in her husbands' once-upon-a-time-it-was-nice leather chair and pooping all over the floor.

Um, no.

That kind of stuff does not fly in the house of Lachen. Our pets are PETS, for crying out loud. Our cats are relegated to the garage during the summer shedding season (if you are a member of PETA, please don't freak out - our garage is a pretty posh pet palace, complete with carpet, surround sound, a sofa and all the "creature" comforts. It is way nicer than my college apartment). And our fish live in an aquarium, quite contained. On special occasions, we bring the portable DVD player into the other room and let them watch a movie. They seemed to like Finding Nemo. But I digress...

The husband of this loosey goosey wife hated living in a kennel. So also did their daughter. But Mom/Wife was oblivious and determined to have her own way, so invested was she in doing "her own thing".

Doing ones own thing is fine and dandy. Truly. But refusing to show respect to others by forcing your "thing" to overshadow and trample their lives is inexcusably reprehensible behavior for a wife and mother to display. It is not individuality I am attacking, but disrespect. And the unwillingness to put others before ourselves and fulfill the invaluable role in the lives of our spouses and children. Do we not commit ourselves to the best interests of our family when we become wives and mothers? Marriage is not a draft - we sign up voluntarily, willingly, honorably. Those who refuse to check their selfishness at the door cannot claim to be FLOORED or disappointed when their relationships fail to thrive.

There is no mystery. Marriage is not meant to be a perpetual state of roommate-hood with an occasional kid thrown in here or there for good measure. It is a bond, a commitment, a covenant, a lifelong process, a leap of faith, and the most intimate partnership possible. Marriage is living entity and it can become sick and die without proper nourishment or care. It amazes me that some of us believe the laws of physics do not apply in relationships as they do in other arenas of life. One cannot proceed to "do your own thing" to the utter exclusion of your family and expect to be an effective participant of that family, or to foster healthy interconnected relationships with children or spouses. Just as one cannot merge into another traffic lane successfully while still driving in the initial lane. One must choose where they wish to drive - either alone or in the carpool lane. Each lane will get you there just fine - it is the driving in the median thing that'll kill ya.

Thus endeth the existential dilemma of Wife Swap for this evening. I should have heeded my instincts and stopped watching after the Goat Wife episode last week.

Onto the news. "NEWS" is an awfully loose term these days, isn't it? Tonight's prime time local news riled me. 20,000 people dead in the earthquakes in Pakistan and India, but instead, the lead story details the hidden Republican evils of Schwartzy's proposed election ballot measures. Good grief, I am ashamed for us. That the planet earth does not revolve around American politics is a wake up call we desperately need to hear. Where is our HEART'S focus ~ with people or with politics? On things passing or things eternal?

Countless miraculous opportunities to make a forever-altering impact in lives of our fellow human beings pass us by while we are engrossed in "our own thing". How tragically regrettable.