Three Ricks & a Livid Lady...

OK, we are refinancing a house. Fairly routine, everyday occurrence on this great planet of ours.

But you are reading words pouring from the mind of a LIVID woman right now. I was brought to this rare place of utter disgust by the sheer the lack of professional competence and respect for customers which is FLOODING the Real Estate service provider marketplace right now. LIVID is a category of experience I tend to reserve for unusually catastrophic, deliberately harmful, angering events as I am, by nature, quite slow to anger. But today, I am firmly rooted in the "MAD" category.

The first appraiser calls to set the appointment to appraise our homes' value. This is a mandatory step required by the lender. He tells me he just needs a half hour, and that he can make it some time between Monday and Thursday. Excuse me? You are making an appointment for an entire 4-day time period? Am I to stay home during this entire time and just hope you will materialize at some point? That's worse than Sears. It's worse than the gas company AND the phone company combined. No WAY is this a practical approach to doing business. Not to mention deeply disrespectful of our time and lives, since we also work and have children and schedules which don't permit an acenine 4-day buffer.

I calmly relay this seemingly obvious bit of enlightenment to Mr. appraiser-man.

He is unaffected entirely and tells me that if I need a "concrete appointment", his fee doubles because he is BUSY.

OK, I see. And what is the added cost if I need you to actually SHOW UP for said "concrete appointment"? I was tempted to redefine the term "busy" for him on my terms, but I figured (in a wise moment of holding my tongue) that: A.) he would not get it and B.) it would not help get us anywhere. So I instead informed him that his terms of "service" were unacceptable to us. Silly us, we think appointments for these types of things should definitely be held to a general time period of MUCH less than 4 days.

Yeah, he was not a keeper.

So, onto the second appraiser. Initial hopes of an actual appraisal taking place at our house were dashed when he SET the appointment for a SINGLE DAY (yahoo!) but did not show up for said appointment. Instead, we receive a call from him two days later saying he was unable to keep the initial appointment but could re-schedule for 12 days from now. I asked him what the odds were that he'd be able to actually show up for this next appointment, and he COULD NOT GIVE ME AN EXACT NUMBER. His quote, "well, no promises, but let's try."

Try this, OK?

Onto the third appraiser (who knew that all appraisers are apparently men in their forties named "Rick"?) This guy didn't get beyond a phone call. I am getting better at my screening process, I guess.

Me: "So, when can you come out?"

Him: "Are you sure you want to refinance right now? The rates are getting higher and the worldwide Real Estate market is based on financial fraud anyway."

Me: "Pardon me?"

Him: "All these people who 'own' something are really kidding themselves because it is their home that owns them. And prices can fluxuate with the whim of world leaders. Who knows what a house is worth two days from now - appraisals mean nothing. The market is based on total fraud, dude. Nothing I can tell you about your house value is worth the paper it's written on in a week. Ownership, loans, houses - it's all just so fluid, dude. Appraisals are worthless."

That might be. But to actually determine this, I need to ACTUALLY GET ONE.

Fun conversation, that. If I was in less of a mood, I may have stayed on the line for sheer entertainment value. This guy was hilarious. One had the feeling he had just come in from surfing, was not entirely sober, and was offering me his very best attempt at sound advice.

Called the lender. Told them that "Bob's Basement Loans" could do a better job of getting a simple house evaluation than this national, advertised "user-friendly" lender. Three strikes and they were out, since all their "Rick's" seemed to share in common a sincere trouble with the whole "appointment concept".

My lender apologized and told me they'd get right on it and order another appraisal ASAP. They told me they would call me as soon as a new appraiser has been lined up and asked me for an appointment to conduct the loan closing. Sure, I said. Our appointment is sometime from now until next Tuesday. The satire was missed.

But I tell you, if anyone else named Rick calls me, I am giving up on this entirely.