Jacks full of fives

...was the hand that won the Charity Texas Hold 'Em Poker tournament in February.

And I was holding it. By the grace of God, some uber-bluffing, and a hopefully growing sense of conviction that I just may be developing what it takes to play this infernal game with the Big Boys.

I just love to play poker. The winning is a great dessert, but not what satisfies or lures me into the playing. Well, until this time. You see, because this time, the winning prize is a WEEKLONG TRIP FOR TWO TO HAWAII!

We got the call from the official Poker Travel Agent today, letting us know the details. From July 12-20, we will be gracing the shores and volcanoes of the big island of Hawaii. For FREE! All because I played some smoking poker in a tournament to benefit the local high school girls' traveling basketball league.

And the timing could not be better for this miraculous vacation! In August, I am scheduled for another brain scan, more tests, and the bi-yearly discussion of my continued prognosis with fibromyalgia. That sounds fun. Additionally, this past few months has seen both Copper and I almost harmoniously burdened with a great deal of work, business, church, and just general life obligatory stuff lately, which combine to tax us powerfully. We are tired. Almost exhausted tired. And we would welcome a break - a rejuvenation - a time to be still and know that He is God and reflect in Him in our lives. And sleep in. Let us not forget sleep.

But, true to myself and the ongoing dance in my heart, I got off the phone from this conversation in a dazed sense of awe. Leaving our children for any length of time that involves an overnight stay causes me to be filled with anxiety. Though my mom and Copper's mom will be coming to stay at our house together to watch over LaLa and JoyBoy while we are gone and have planned ample trips to the zoo, beach, lake, waterfalls, natural history museum, and horse ranch while we are gone (read: our kids will be spoiled rotten), I wrestle with the absence of my blessed babies from their Mama and Daddy for 8 days.

It is difficult in another way, too - though to a lesser degree than my consideration for my children:

With so much going on in the world, I feel so conflicted to actually take this free vacation I won. So many more people deserve it. It seems a bit decadent to me, even though we aren't spending a dime. Well, I take that back. We are going to be spending some dimes - we have to eat during the vacation and our scuba diving or other activities are not included in the poker-winnings deal. But sitting on the beach, swimming in the ocean, watching the lava flow from the volcano while we reconnect as a couple and renew ourselves = all free.

Why do I just insist on being in turmoil about everything? Maybe I should just be proud of myself for playing well and winning the tournament, be grateful for the free Hawaiian vacation and amazing family who will embrace and shower our children with love and care while we are gone, and leave it at that. God sure has to break through a lot of analyzing and emotional red tape to pour out His blessings upon me these days.