On Being an Eight Cow Wife

Copper's hands were sweaty, and the left one was nervously fidgeting with the seam of his pant leg while the right one grasped both mine and the edge of the delicate linen napkin.

He was self assured on the surface, but beneath there was the heart of the child, beating rapidly, excitedly, and with purposeful anticipation. We sat there together, across from my parents, on the edge of the most important conversation we would have in our young lives.

Copper, you see, was about to ask my Mom and step-father for my hand in marriage and their blessing on our union.

He had not asked me to marry him yet and would not for four more months. The actual proposal was personal, sweet, and very unexpected in its timing and delivery. But we were in love and committed to the destination of marriage, and sought the support and voluntary blessings of both of our parents on our aspirations to become man and wife BEFORE we formally became engaged.

Old-Fashioned? Well, I guess that depends on your qualification and comparison. For us, it seemed the most natural and respectful manner of seeking to marry, by seeking first the blessings of the family. But also, Copper's insistence with relegating me to such a position of honor, of respect and adoration by taking this step (among others) spoke volumes which have forever acoustically marked our relationship. My husband loves me. Greek has words for four kinds of love: agape, or spiritual love; storge, or familial love; the love between friends, or philia; and sexual love, the familiar eros. And in making this statement so honorably, he actually managed to demonstrate his love for me on all four levels of its original Greek definition.

Throughout our marriage, I have never forgotten our beginning. How, even from the start, my husband was willing to take steps that some would consider over-the-top or outdated to demonstrate his love for me and elevate me in his estimation to the highest level of honor and respect.

I am often reminded of the account of 'Johnny Lingo and his 8-Cow Wife' when I reflect on my marriage to my beloved Copper. Paraphrased, the story goes something like this:

On a trip to the Kiniwata Island in the Pacific, a young American explorer kept hearing a story about a local man from a neighboring island, Johnny Lingo, who was well- known and higly respected throughout the islands for his skills, intelligence, and savvy as one of the sharpest traders in the islands. Yet, what everyone related to this traveler most adamantly was that "Johnny Lingo gave eight cows for his wife." Intrigued by this unusual, oft-repeated remark and by the mystery and respect surrounding him, the American and set out to meet this Johnny Lingo guy.

A couple days later, he had his opportunity to travel to the island of Nurabandi, where Johnny lived. On the sail there, the traveler asked the boat captain about him.

"He is the most respected man in all the land. And the wealthiest and most intelligent. Everyone seeks counsel from him. But he is most known for one thing: five months ago, Johnny came to Kiniwata and found himself a wife. He gave her father eight cows!"

The American traveler knew enough about island marriage customs to be duly impressed. Cows were given to the family of a bride by a husband as a form of "dowry". A dowry of two or three cows was average and four or five cows would net a stunning wife of near royalty status. He mused aloud, "Eight cows! She must be breathtakingly gorgeous!"

The response was unexpected. The boat captain simply said, "She's not ugly, but calling her plain would definitely be a compliment. She is skinny and walks with her shoulders hunched and her head ducked. She is scared of her own shadow. Her father was afraid wouldn't be able to marry her off at all. Instead of being stuck with her, he got eight cows for her. This price has never been paid before. No one knows why he did it and everyone wonders, but Johnny simply approached her father and said, "'Father of Sarita, I offer eight cows for your daughter.' Isn't that extraordinary?"

The traveler was now overwhelmed with curiosity about this local man of mythic proportion. When he finally arrived at Johnny Lingo's home, he was immediately impacted by his seriousness, intelligence, and gently earned command of others' respect. As they sat together in his house, engrossed on conversation, the American answered questions about his journey and the stories he had heard which led him to seek out Johnny Lingo.

"What do people say about me which leads you here?"

"They say your are the most brilliant, respected, and wealthy man in the islands.... but they also wonder endlessly why your marriage settlement was an unheard of EIGHT cows."

"They ask that? Everyone in Kiniwata and Nurabandi knows about the eight cows?" His chest expanded with pleasure and satisfaction. "Always and forever, when they speak of marriage settlements, it will be remembered that Johnny Lingo paid eight cows for Sarita."

So that's the answer, thought the young explorer: Vanity.

But just then Sarita entered the room to place flowers on the table. She stood still for a moment to smile at her husband and then left. She was the most achingly beautiful woman imaginable. The lift of her shoulders, the tilt of her chin, and the sparkle in her eyes, her dress and hair, all spelled self-confidence and pride. Not an arrogant and haughty pride, but a confident inner beauty that radiated in her every movement. She was stunning.

The American turned back to Johnny in disbelief. "She's...gorgeous! But this obviously, this is not the one everyone is talking about. She can't be the Sarita you married on Kiniwata."

"There is only one Sarita. Perhaps, she doesn't look the way you expected. Do you think eight cows was too many?" Johnny's smile was knowing.

"No, but how can she be so different from the way they described her?"

Johnny said, "Think about how it must make a woman feel to know her husband paid a very low dowry for her? It must be insulting to her to know he places such little value in her. Think about how she must feel when the other women boast about the high prices their husbands paid for them. It must be embarrassing for her. I would not let this happen to my Sarita."

"So, you paid eight cows just to make your wife happy?"

"Well, of course I wanted Sarita to be happy, but there's more to it than that. You say she is different from what you expected. This is true. Many things can change a woman. There are things that happen on the inside and things that happen on the outside. However, the thing that matters most is how she views herself. In Kiniwata, Sarita believed she was worth nothing. As a result, that's the value she projected. Now, she knows she is worth more than any other woman in the islands. It shows, doesn't it?"

"Then you wanted?..."

"I wanted to marry Sarita. She is the only woman I love and she is worthy of everything I have to offer her."

"But..." the American man was close to understanding.

"But," he finished softly, "I wanted an eight-cow wife."

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The above is based partially on an article found in Reader's Digest (February, 1988). The original work was copyrighted by Patricia McGerr in 1965.
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Now, I would like to think that, save for those awful, aching months of puberty, I managed to dodge the homely bullet fairly unscathed. And ~ thanks be to God ~ I had grounded conviction of knew who I was in Christ long before I met my dear, sweet husband. But what Copper accomplished at our genesis and continues to do to this day is to honor me to the amazing extent that I have no choice but to endeavor to be the version of me that he believes in. That woman of God that He loves so much he would walk through fire for. His love convinces me of my worth and inspires me to aim higher ~ to seek to embody and fullfil the highest echelons of inner beauty, strength, and wisdom that HE sees in me.

In essence, Copper has followed God to my heart and led me to believe in the very best version of myself and to wholeheartedly and with gratitude offer that version to him as his wife.

It is an amazing gift. Worth 8 cows, four chickens, and perhaps even a horse. I love this man for the incredible person God has made him to be, and for his lovingly honorable reminders of the person God has made me to be. Our wedding was sheer celebration of the joy we have in helping one another enjoy the status we have in each other's hearts of being the "8-Cow-Spouse".

But even in the midst of such ecclesiastical revelry, this 8 Cow Wife has a sense of humor. On our wedding day, I presented Copper with his lovingly chosen wedding band. Upon the inside of which I had engraved to ready simply, "Put It Back On!"

Eight Cows. One Saucy Wedding Band. And love that will last a lifetime.