Liar, Liar...

There seem to be some pervasive, big, fat lies permeating the airspace. Well, maybe 'lies' is a harsh choice of words. Half-truths, perhaps. Old wives tales, completely baffling bits of nutty yet oft-repeated information - that kind of thing. Far too much of it preys on us women/mother/wife types. There are lots of examples of this to choose from, so I've decided to begin compiling a list from my own experience and vantage point on the universe. I hereby present the beginning of said list. Feel free to add, by comment, your own contributions to this ongoing commentary on life's little lies.

The List:

1.) You outgrow getting blemishes. Um, no. Some of us are actually in the department store buying ANTI-AGING ANTI-ACNE TREATMENT creams and lotions. This is nuts. Either we are adolescent or we are geriatric. Who'd have thought there was a market for skin products combining BOTH of those eras of life and marketed to 20~40 year olds?

2.) Breastfeeding will melt the weight right off. Yes, but you see, this is misleading. The weight loss happens over time - a long time - which does not quite a "melting" event create. And, nursing tends to make one rather ravenous. One tends to answer the overwhelming urge to eat when one's stomach is growling like a freaking polar bear. One tends to not lose weight so fast when one is snarfing down Goldfish crackers washed down with a little (OK, a lot) Dr. Pepper about every 90 minutes. I lost the remainder of my pregnancy weight AFTER I had stopped nursing, not during. Many of my friends have also had this experience.

3.) If you drive 40 mph, you will hit all green lights. Where on EARTH is this true? If I drive 40 mph, I will be run over by the Big Rigs who are going 80.

4.) One Size Fits All. Possibly the largest lie ever perpetuated on the hapless clothes-shopping masses. Spend 30 minutes in a public place with lots of people milling around tomorrow and take a gander at the individual rear ends that pass by. Then tell me one size fits all with a straight face. I dare you.

5.) Walmart is family friendly. Well, maybe in theory and certainly in pricing. But not on a Sunday afternoon in Spring. There were so many human beings in that store and its parking lot this weekend that they should have been mandatorily handing out flack jackets, pith hemets, a map, deodorant, water, and signal flares to their shoppers. Whoa Nelly. Give me a civilized, sparsely populated, if overpriced department store over that zoo ANY DAY.

6.) Margarine and butter are basically the same thing. Recipes seem to think so, and my neighbor swears it. But this is another BIG LIE. Butter comes from a naturally occuring product (milk, for those following along) that also comes from a naturally occuring animal (a cow, as in MOO). Margarine is a completely man-made product that is actually only one molecule away from being plastic. PLASTIC. Spread that on your toast and eat it. Yikes

7.) Children should be seen and not heard. Sure. A bad idea from its genesis. But if this dynamic IS happening in modern day family life, it is only because we parents have the volume of the ear mikes on our mp-3 players turned up too loudly.

8.) If you're tired, taking a quick 20-minute midday nap is a great way to feel refreshed. First of all, a nap is like Pringles - you cannot stop at 20 minutes and if you do, you end up a much more puffy, groggy version of the self that was already too tired to function properly.

9.) Thong underwear are comfortable. Only on mannequins, darlings. Only on mannequins. It's a bit like high heels - if we like them, we force our minds to bend to the discomfort and end up so far in denial that we declare them "comfortable". Sheer, unadulterated lies, I tell you.

10.) An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Only if you throw it at him fairly hard. One apple a day will not keep many people in a thriving condition of health. Ah, maybe they meant an apple in combination with OTHER foods and a great deal of water. Well they should SAY that then.

To be continued.....