coping without a compass

I'm grouchy.

We are sitting in our room on the glorious Hawaiian island of... well, Hawaii. And I am a grouchy. Grouchy because I am feeling suffocated, buried, incapable of meeting the demands of life, and overwhelmed. Grouchy because my heart hurts. I am sadly marinating in my own secular failures to the point where the outward poisons of the world have seeped into my soul and threaten to strangle it.

Which is really just me finally paying attention to the stress level of my life that I am Olympian-good at managing most of my days.

But not today.

And really, who are we kidding? "Managing" is just another word for coping. I cope. I cope very, very, very well. I could be the poster child for COPING. But coping does not heal or solve anything. Coping is like treading water - it delays the inevitable payment to the piper for another day. Another day when we think we might, somehow, be more capable. When we might be able to finally stop running and have gathered enough strength to finally stand up against the tides that crash over us and thrash around us, intent to drown us altogether. Coping is a stay-of-execution which is unavoidable. Mine, in some meaningful ways, caught up with me today.

Today, on vacation with my blessed husband in this glorious place, I cannot hide from the truth. It finds me even here, as business people and work related "needs" jockey for my attention and aggressively pursue their agenda and demands for my time. I am, again, made aware of and overtly burdened by the unyielding stress that presses in on me from all sides. I find myself angry at my weakness as a human being. Angry at my lack of protection and investment into what I love most. Angry that I have allowed the needs, concerns, problems, and demands of other human beings to eat away at my own life, family, health, and identity until I

just.
can't.
breathe.

I feel quite suddenly lost in a tangly dark forest. The birds have eaten the breadcrumbs marking my way back. The glittering eyes and bared fangs of the worldly wolves in the leafy darkness are closing in. I am praying for a Godly airlift, though I know His timing may not be my own. I may be meant to stay a bit longer - to slay a few longstanding dragons on the way back home. To earn some battlescars in hopes that I will not venture this far into the forest alone again.