if only I could actually send this letter

To My Beloved Clients,

I, as your Realtor, would like to take this opportunity to clarify a few things. Eight, actually.

1.) When I have clearly communicated to you, written into the contract, and when my voicemail specifically states my office hours as 9:00 a.m. ~ 5:30 p.m, please respect that. Please do not inject your business concerns into my after-hours family time. Please do not call me at my home at 6:20 in the morning on a Sunday or 10:30 at night on a Wednesday to discuss the best way to manage your dog Squeakers during open houses, the placement of photos within your virtual tour, or to decide (from the photos you sent me on my cell phone) which of three shades of sage green you should paint your Master bathroom. To everything there is a time and place. And Squeakers needs to just give it a rest. I work seven days per week, do not get holidays or weekends off, and save for that two week period per year when I physically leave the area, do not have vacation days. So please do not interrupt my family time unless it is an absolute emergency.

2.) No, leaving your $300.00 juicer on the counter of your kitchen and calling me at 9:32 p.m. at night to ask that I drive 25 minutes to your home to set it outside for your son to come and pick up in the morning because you are at a Day Spa does NOT constitute an emergency.

3.) There are, in fact, actual professional cleaning crews that will come to your house, for a fee, and do all of the cleaning tasks you so often demand that I perform for you. And, as I've told you before, I do not have any idea how to remove pet urine from your carpets. That falls outside the limits of my occupational expertise.

4.) I cannot convince anyone to pay more for your house because you like it better than all the other houses in the universe. That reasoning fails to hold much realistic weight. Especially considering that most people don't particularly see the value in having a bathroom with no door whatsoever, three windows whose glass is taped to the panes lest it fall out, a family of king snakes living in the cellar, or a loose floorboard just inside the front door with a reverberating squeak so loud that many an unsuspecting Open House visitor has to fight the urge to stop, drop and army crawl to safety.

5.) Gardener = professional who is paid to maintain and cultivate the landscaping at a certain property. Realtor = professional who is paid to transact the process of marketing and selling a certain piece of Real Property. Can you see how these two occupations are vastly different, with duties that should not be expected to overlap?

6.) Continuing to pay your electrical, water, and gas bills during the escrow process is not optional. Particularly in the fall and winter months. It is darn near impossible to market the virtues of a house whose lights do not come on, whose dry toilets actually echo and smell a bit like your flatulent bulldog, and whose unregulated temperature hovers at a nice cozy 51 degrees.

7.) Please do not ask me to suggest ways to help you "get around" the I.R.S. when reporting the income from the sale of your investment property. I enjoy my freedom and don't particularly like orange jumpsuits, thank you very much.

8.) Please do not expect me to reduce my fee because you wish your property was worth more on today's market. I do not control the general or specific economic situation in the Real Estate world. I am here to help you navigate it ethically and wisely and to provide a professional service. You would not ask a doctor, grocery manager, automotive repairperson, or garbage collector to do the same job for you for less money. Likewise, please do not expect that of me. On average over the last 10 years, by adding my collective hours of work involved in marketing, selling, and closing any given property, after I deduct my expenses, I earn approximately $12.00 an hour to achieve an average profit for my clients of $320,000. Stop whining.


If we can both commit to an understanding and willingness to agree on these eight little clarification items, I am sure we will enjoy our working relationship during this process of buying or selling a home. Thank you for your attention to this matter and I look forward to working with you. Sincerely,

Your utterly exhausted, underappreciated, and taken-for-granted Real Estate Broker